Opinion: Boys to Men - authenticity in relationships

It’s no surprise that men struggle with being authentic in relationship to others, whether it be with family, friends, colleagues or intimate relationships. How did we get here?

More and more, in much of today’s media landscape, articles, videos and podcasts are saturated with messages about masculinity: what it is, what it isn’t, and how to “be a real man in today’s world.” Unfortunately, much of what circulates on social media and popular podcasts offers distorted views of masculinity. Many presenters are accepted as authorities on the topic of manhood, yet their ideas often lead men further away from truth rather than toward it.

In my view, the answer isn’t as mysterious as it might seem. In tribal cultures, boys were guided into manhood through structured rites of passage led by elders. These rituals were not arbitrary; they served to instill a deep sense of purpose, identity, and connection. In being initiated into manhood, boys were taught their roles within the tribe and were honored as integral members of their community. The mantle of manhood was accepted with responsibility and accountability.

Modern society offers no equivalent to this rite of passage. There are no meaningful initiations into adulthood nor formal processes that help young men find identity, direction, or wisdom. Instead, today’s culture prizes individualism, often at the expense of connection to others, and to the natural world.

This disconnection is the heart of modern men’s struggles. The most devastating fracture is the separation from the self. Without access to our inner world, many men suffer in silence, taught, either directly or indirectly, that expressing pain or emotion is weak or shameful. The result is a life that is often lonely, unfulfilled, quietly desperate and filled with pain. These consequences ripple outward, affecting everyone including the broader community.

Another piece of the puzzle is that we’ve come to accept harmful myths as truths. Concepts like “vulnerability is weakness,” “real men don’t show emotion,” “silence is strength,” and “I don’t need help,” have trapped generations of men in silence and shame.

Like any meaningful transformation, the first steps are crucial. The key to beginning the journey is remembering to identify as human before identifying as men.

Through my own journey and as a group facilitator, I have seen these beliefs at play with devastating consequences. The fires of masculine vitality are reduced to embers within men who feel lost and numb. Tending the masculine fire is essentially reversing the trajectory of fear and isolation while replacing these characteristics with courage, truth and accountability.

Claim your place in the tribe of the authentic man through self-awareness, and genuine connection. By doing so, you liberate yourself and contribute to healing your relationships and communities.

The Warwick Men’s Group is open to men seeking a connecting experience. The group meets twice a month in Warwick. Send an email tendingthefire8@gmail.com to verify the location and time of our next meeting.

Michael Rainone

Warwick